Fighting through the tears …

I apologize for the wait between blog posts I have been concentrating on keeping my mind clear, calm and focusing on my health a lot has happened in the last week alone and I think its something that I need to share.

Let me begin with updating you all on our IVF, so I have now started the progesterone patches on an extremely high dose I am on three 100mg patches twice a week so I have went from 8mg a day to 600mg a week so it is a much much higher dose than the previous round so fingers crossed this is what my body needs and when I go for the scan next Friday (26/10/18) my lining will be nice and thick for a transfer date.

But this post isn’t about the IVF alone or the Endometriosis although they are a factor in what I am about to write there a whole load of other things, you see I am a worrier and an over thinker. My mind is constantly in over drive, thinking and over analyzing everything however in my head there is barely ever a positive side its always negative outcomes, from worrying about money and work to the IVF and still grieving the babies we could of had 😢. This is something I have struggled and dealt with ever since my early teens its like my mind just never switches off even when I sleep its like my dreams become my worries so I never have a break and it appears this has finally taken its toll on my body as Saturday at work I had my first full blown extreme panic attack, I genuinely thought I was going to die. I cant even describe it, it all began when my heart started racing and I was sweating which I have experienced many times before but suddenly it became worse it felt like I couldn’t breathe, my hands began to tingle, I felt sick, my legs felt like they were going to give way. I then became really cold a friend from work and my manager were there trying to help me but all I could think was I am going to die I feel like I am dying, I couldn’t feel any air entering my body even though the two of them were reassuring me I was breathing and I was going to be ok, I then started to have sharp pains go up my arms and my legs began to shake. The first thing my manager done was phone the ward as I had started the patches to make sure it wasn’t the medication and they advised her to get me to hospital but in this time everything was just getting worse my eyes were blurring and my head felt fuzzy inside whilst also feeling like I had a pounding headache, so she was advised to call an ambulance to come to the office by the time they arrived it was still all happening and I was trying my hardest to calm myself down but all I could think was I am going to die this is it I am not breathing I just wanted my granny who is no longer here so I became hysterical at the same time, I honestly cant thank my friend from work and my manager for everything they done that day as I don’t think I have ever been so scared like I say I have had panic like attacks before but nothing like this its hard to even try and explain it but they both tried there hardest to be there and calm me down and reassure me phoning my partner and my sister and mum. The paramedics that arrived were so lovely as well taking there time to try and get me breathing and relaxing however eventually when I was starting to breathe a bit more calmly I had waves upon waves of pain in my abdomen travelling down my legs as though my body was arguing with what was going on and just flared up all the pain I had been working so hard to get on top of I was given gas and air to help the pains to keep me trying to get my hear rate to slow and breathe properly as this was making me panic again. My partner met us at the hospital and just seeing his face my heart rate began to slow down like he was this calming influence who can make me feel better but when I began to get upset and just list a number of things I worry and think about my heart rate sped up again which made it clear that I cant go on like this. I stress and worry about everything I don’t even want to list some of the things because even thinking of what I would write right now I can feel the sick sinking feeling in my stomach and my heart speed up. So my plan of action is to try reflexology,meditation, walks, reading as this somehow blocks any thoughts and worries and also helping my mum with the blankets that she makes. In a way I am glad this happened before transfer as I know if it happened after my anxiety would be taken to a whole new level. Its so easy to give other people advice and be there for them but when it comes to yourself you never seem to be able to take your own advice. I know now that I need to speak and I do need people to be there for me and to let them be there I dont need to deal with all the worry myself. It most certainly has been a wake up call that over thinking and anxiety is really not good for anyone, I also know that its ok to not be ok and I just need to find a way to change my negative outcomes in my mind to positive stop thinking that everything is always my fault and I am always going to fail, Its not going to happen over night but it is something that even though I have always known deep down that its not healthy the way I think I know that it needs to change. Hence why its taken me a few days to write this I know I can do this as the experience I had on Saturday is something I would never wish anyone to go through and never want to go through again myself.

Sometimes I doubt myself that I am not strong enough to do this, I am not strong enough for another failed round of IVF, I am not strong enough to cope with the pain and stress of my health conditions, I am just not strong enough to deal with anything BUT I am strong enough, I can do this and I will do this, I promised my Granny I would be happy and put my health first and that’s exactly what I am going to do. I can do this and I will do this.

We will have a positive test. ✅

We will have a healthy pregnancy. ✅

We will hold our baby in our arms. ✅

We will have our family home to make our memories in. ✅

WE WILL BEAT THIS. I AM NOT GOING THROUGH THIS ALONE. ✅💑

A problem shared is a problem halved. Keep talking. Its ok to not be ok.

You will come out the other end you just need to remember the problems you face aren’t road blocks they are speed bumps and what ever road your on you will get to your destination.

J x

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